The disciples were gathered together in an upstairs room – afraid. And why shouldn’t they be. The scripture reading says they were gathered “on that same evening” – that would be the evening of the day the women found the empty tomb, the same day when Jesus showed himself to Mary Magdalene, the same day that, according to the gospel of Matthew, the high priests gave the soldiers money to spread the rumor that the disciples had stolen Jesus’ body.

What a day it had been. They might have been afraid that someone or some group would burst into the room, coming after them. But as they drew together in that room it was Jesus who appeared among them and the first thing he said to them was, “Peace be with you.” They needed that sense of peace, of calm, of his non-anxious presence. Apparently not startled or stunned by his appearance, they rejoiced to see him. Then Jesus said it again, “Peace be with you.” He commissioned them to go out, to leave that room, and to carry on his work. “As the Father as sent me, so I send you.” He breathed the Holy Spirit upon them and with that act, like God breathed life into Eve and Adam, Jesus breathed new life into their tired and sorrowful souls.

Thomas, who had not been there, did not really believe the disciples had seen Jesus. It’s easy to understand why. First the women were not believed when they reported finding the tomb empty, Mary Magdalene was not believed when she said she had encountered Jesus in the garden, and Peter, it would seem, was prone to not being truthful (he denied even knowing Jesus).

So it seems natural that Thomas might question what the disciples told him. But, the story tells us, a week later they were assembled once again and this time Thomas was with them. Jesus entered the room and said “Peace be with you.” This peace did not mean an absence of war or have a good day. This peace meant – be not anxious, be calm, be healthy, be whole. And Thomas finally had his encounter with the risen Christ.

Sometimes it seems as though Thomas gets a bum rap. How often do we hear, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas?” But keeping mind that the gospels were not written down until 60 years after the death and resurrection of Jesus, it could be that the writer of John was trying to give peace and assurance to the early church which was struggling with its own doubts about an event they had not personally participated in.

Doubting or questioning is really a natural part of our lives. When we become teenagers we pretty discard much of what our parents have taught us – they become the most ignorant people on earth. This is because we have a need to seek answers as to who we are or who we want to become – on our own.

Sometimes though, especially in church, many people are afraid to say they doubt or question anything to do with God, Jesus or religion. Children will ask a question more quickly than adults because they are still pretty open and fearless. As adults we are wary because we imagine that our questions will be deemed foolish or that others might think less of us if we ask questions or show what we don’t know. As adults we often sit in silence while struggling with our unbelief.

Writer, Kathleen Norris, says in her book, Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith, "When I first stumbled upon the Benedictine abbey, I was surprised to find the monks so unconcerned with my weighty doubts and intellectual frustrations over Christianity. What interested them more was my desire to come to their worship, the liturgy of the hours. I was a bit disappointed-- I had thought that my doubts were spectacular obstacles to my faith and was confused but intrigued when an old monk blithely stated that doubt is merely the seed of faith, a sign that faith is alive and ready to grow."

If there is any one place where we should be able to talk about our doubts, it is the church. It is good to ask questions, to wonder, to discern. Even in our baptismal service we pray that God will give the newly baptized an inquiring and discerning heart.

The Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston, former bishop of Alaska and Dean of Episcopal Divinity School once said…”when I ran into the Episcopal Church, I found in this messy, organic, confusing, complaining, wonderfully loving mix of human beings in all of its diversity, the freedom to speak my mind and to be who I was. And the freedom to learn from others. Bishop Charleston believes that “a healthy community is engaged in this process constantly asking and answering the questions of what happened.” A healthy secure religion invites questions, invites doubts.

In addition to giving the disciples Peace, Jesus commended to them the act of forgiveness. He said “if you retain the sins of any they are retained.” In The Message, a different biblical translation from Eugene Peterson, it is stated this way, “if you forgive someone’s sins, they’re gone for good, ff you don’t forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?”

That’s a good question isn’t it? If we hold on to forgiveness, keep others sins with us, what are we going to do with them?

It would be virtually impossible for the disciples to carry on Jesus’ ministry without being able to offer forgiveness. What did Jesus say on the cross – “forgive them.” How could the disciples possibly go out and preach repentance, preach the Good News of God in Christ, preach acceptance, regardless of one’s situation in life, if they themselves could not offer forgiveness?

I imagine the disciples had some forgiveness of their own to work on. In order to work together they had to forgive Peter for denying Jesus those three times. They had to forgive each other for not being at the foot of the cross (the only ones listed as being at the cross were the women and the disciple Jesus loved…whoever that was). They had to forgive the authorities and Judas for handing Jesus over to the Romans. And ultimately, they had to forgive the Romans for executing Jesus.

Forgiveness of others and ourselves has got to be one of the hardest things to do in life.

A modern-day theologians, Mr. Rogers, said, “One of my teachers told me, ‘There is only one thing evil cannot stand, and that is forgiveness.’"

Mystery writer, Nevada Barr, in her book about her own spiritual journey, Seeking Enlightenment: Hat by Hat, wrote,” One day, in church of all places, I had a revelation. The pastor was reading that bit in the Bible where Jesus says to his apostles: “That which you forgive, shall remain forgiven, that which you do not forgive will be retained.” Or something along those lines… To me it sounded not as if a power to forgive or not to forgive was being bestowed but rather the apostles were being reminded, perhaps warned, that every transgression they did not forgive would be retained. Retained by them, by us, by me. Carried by me, fed, watered, and hauled from place to place by me. Or I could forgive and be free. The evil doer would continue to exist doing what he or she does, repenting or not. I would continue to exist. But the evil itself would be over, gone, done, history as in no longer is, not happening. I realized what had been alive and biting was not the original evil but my oft-rehearsed, clearly held memory of evil. My definition of forgiveness is a sigh, very like a sigh of relief, on which the memory of evil is breathed out”.

I love the image of breathing out the memory of evil, of resentment, of anger, of remorse, of envy. If we hang on to our anger, it will only harm us in the long run.

In seminary we had to take General Ordination Exams. The exams lasted for three days and when we were finished they were sent off to some other part of the country, for other people to read. The “readers” only know the exam takers by a number. My seminary was and still is very liberal but I did not know if the readers would be liberal or conservative or at least middle of the road. A clergy friend of mine who had been a reader told me to be myself, to use humor because the papers were usually so dry. So I had a relaxed approach and even included a cartoon at the end. On one paper we had to write a sermon for an imaginary congregation, made up of people of all ages. My “specialty” before entering seminary was my work with children so I imagined them in the congregation when I wrote my sermon. The text we were given was today’s lesson. I wrote that the disciples being afraid were huddled together like scared children, holding on to each other, like children cling to a teddy bear. The readers didn’t like the mention of the disciples being like children, being afraid and they hated the teddy bear reference. My readers, who had not one ounce of humor, wrote scathing remarks on all my papers. It was a very wounding experience to read their comments. They wrote my bishop and said they didn’t think I was taking the exams seriously. These were anonymous people – who knew me only by a number. And I, I held on to those comments, taking them out from time to time, looking them over, and feeling the hurt all over again. But who was I hurting? That little group of people had no idea I was obsessing over them. It finally occurred to me that I was the one who was causing myself to be hurt. Not until I came up here 20 years later, did I throw out those papers and was able to let go of that anger.

Dr. Christian Northrup, author of Women’s Wisdom, Women’s Bodies, writes: “When we remain “stuck” in anger with someone who has hurt us…part of our spirit is occupied with that person and is not available to us for healing.” We are so busy using our time and energy on not forgiving that person, on being angry with them, that we block our own healing and route to wholeness.

Did you know that the exchange of the Peace was originally meant to give people an opportunity to make things right with their neighbor before receiving communion? From the gospel of Matthew: "So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift."

Jesus calls us, like he called the disciples, to live new lives in him. In order to lead a new life, we need to question, to doubt, to struggle with the complexities of our lives. Jesus calls us to be at peace, to be whole, to be healthy, to be alive. Jesus calls us to offer forgiveness …just as we want to be forgiven.

This Eastertide, a time in which we do not say a confession because we want live into the belief that indeed, Jesus died for our sins, let us strive to be loving and forgiving people. Let us let go of what was and live into what is. The only way to die to a former way of life is to forgive and begin anew. In this way we will be truthful and sincere when we proclaim, “Alleluia, Christ is Risen.”